The Loneliness of Captain Mainwaring

Since I was small 

I have always been sensitive.

Affected by people I perceive are lonely.


Not one of these people has presented themself

Telling me they feel this way. But I know.

I am versed in their suffering.


It started with Captain Mainwaring

When asked if he has children.

‘No we were never blessed that way.’ He broke me.


Contemplating his inverted snobbery I feel sad.

A bleakness dawned that he will never be satisfied 

Therefore never be happy with whom and where he is.


Awareness of not belonging unstrengthens my mind

Inducing anxiety and depression.

 Then comes the loneliness.

 
Cushioning myself from potential triggers

 I am aware of what I watch, read and listen to.

Constantly re-rationalised. Thank you psycho-therapy.


Amidst this Covid time there is deliberation on separation

And the loneliness resulting from that. 

Pain in not seeing my family and friends.


I have understood (eventually) that I don’t control the virus

I am not responsible for the outcomes resulting from it.

I see the man behind the glasses and I understand.

Notes: Taken from my essay ‘The Loneliness of Captain Mainwaring’ (originally written August 2020) published in Loneliness Fanzine (November 2020).