My Husband Versus The Moths

It started subtly.

Almost unnoticed.

Tiny holes in silk t-shirts.

A split here and there on pure wool coats.


I thought it was tab burns

From my smoking days.

But then glimpses of fluttering,

Glances of wings out of the corner of eyes.


And then they announced themselves.

Flying demons fueled by our best garments

Not the cheap, or second hand,

Apart from my gifted silk jumper.


Little bastards. Bloody little bastards.

War was now declared.

However we started with humane warfare

After all, we decided, this was just nature's way.


Research was started in sincerity. 

Friendly weapons were decided upon,

Circular cedar wood tablets purchased

Hung in wardrobes and placed in underwear drawers.



The spheroid repellent never did anything. Not one bloody thing.

No flying off to uncedared pastures new,

No lying down and decently dying for the cause

It didn’t touch the sides.


My Husband was starting to get twitchy.

I could see that humanitarian means may be ceasing

But he surprised me by buying Lavender plants

Apparently moths detest these hardy perennials.


Bushes duly planted in our old bath

Which now resided in the backyard

We could never afford council removal

 So a repurposed plastic plant pot it became.


We waited for those shrubs to grow and flowers to bud.

We are still waiting yet.

This could be due to no rain

Or next door's cat using the tub as a sweet scented outdoor loo.


Another little bastard.

A sneaky, smiling, feline felon,

Always plotting against us, hiding in sheds

Ready to pounce as we try to claim back our territory.


Friends were called upon by zoom

Viv and Stu, animal lovers and scientists 

Went off to research, and alongside marmalade, 

Donated moth traps to aid our cause.


So the sticky assassin was placed

Let the pheromone based machinations begin.

It’s full on combat now, none of this merciful malarkey

No longer hippies but killing machines.


I can’t remember what we talked about before we had the moths

I think there was some discussions around Brexit and the lockdown

But they have faded into past memories

As we wonder about the breeding habits of these pests.


And I sigh at my Husband’s search history

Part of me hoping to stumble across naughty pictures

Of buxom women in provocative gear

Instead of ‘How many species of Lepidoptera?


‘True Bugs: Ask a Biologist'

'Sixteen plants that repel unwanted insects’'

'Moth Pest Control. Results Here'

'Thirteen Most Common Signs Of Moths.’


Armed with his walking stick and slinking like a panther,

Albeit one with a dodgy leg and partial blindness,

A stalker of night corridors.

Life has become my Husband versus the moths.